3.23.2006

That Michael Jordan sure knows his beef, pork, and turkey byproducts.

So, instead of paying close attention to a particular law school class of mine, I am busy reading McSweeney's New Food Reviews. The page is long and filled with decent, good, and great writing. Here are a few snippits that nearly made me start laughing during class, which is somewhat out of character during a lecture discussing divisions of marital property after death.

"Hot Choice" Tombstone Deep Dish Pepperoni Pizza, Submitted by Robert Moor:

After one bite, I understood the undergrad's grave warning. Never eat pizza from a machine. It's like making love to a Terminator: almost satisfying, but slightly creepy, and there's always the possibility that it will collapse your chest cavity with one fatal blow.

Starburst Baja California Fruit Chews, Submitted by Matthew Russell:

LIMÓN—José Limón did for modern dance what the sweet potato did for Alabama Thanksgivings. Starburst Limón Chews did for modern dance what the 1981 Luc Besson film L'Avant Dernier did for Alabama Thanksgivings. Also, they make your teeth gritty.

Seaside Combo From the Grocery, Submitted by Jennifer Wyatt:

Today I went again, and noticed the grocery also has a little sushi morgue. I chose the Seaside Combo. When I opened the container, the smell reminded me less of the seaside than of a parking lot, with seagulls in it. And hoboes. The parking lot could be in Japan, though. I'll give them that.

SoyNut Butter, Submitted by Leah Strauss:

Personally, the fitness of a nut spread is not something I am qualified to verify. It waddles into the land of subjectivity. If a jellyfish sheepishly rolled the eyes it doesn't have upward toward you and said, "I am healthy," then thundered, "Eat me, biotch!," you'd be left to take it at its word and down the sucker. The jellyfish may very well be in top form for a cnidarian, but the chances of you being an expert and in possession of a pocket stethoscope are rather slim. The jellyfish never said it was healthy for you, just that it assays itself as primed for Jazzercise, headband or no.

Deer Park Natural Spring Water, Submitted by Bernd Sauermann:

Try it. You'll like it. It tastes like nothing. Not even a hint of deer feces.

posted by brian at 3:37 PM | Permalink

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